Friday, January 27, 2006


This blog has outlived its welcome. It will be reincarnated at a new location.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Chuck Norris reponds..........

And a weak one at that!

The "real" Chuck Norris is not a fearsome man after all

In response to my earlier posting on "Why Chuck Norris should be in desi movies..", Chuck decided to respond to me ............ not in person, but on a frickin website. Before this response, whenever my doorbell rang, I would shudder in fear expecting Chuck Norris to show up at my door and roundhouse kick me to death.

Instead this is what he has to say:
I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

Cmon Chuck. Is that the best you can do? No roundhouse kicks? No pain? No tearing out my heart? Even Bruce Lee got a better deal in "The way of the Dragon".

This is NOT the real Chuck Norris

To top it all, he squanders this golden opportunity by making a sales pitch!!!
Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?"

I'm disappointed that Chuck Norris is not the man I expected him to be. Maybe I should lobby for Mr. T to be in desi movies.

Mr. T for desi movies

After all he is synonymous with the word "Pain" after playing Clubber Lang in the Rocky movies.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Why Chuck Norris should be in desi movies.......

As I was flipping channels the other day, I happened upon this show Walker Texas Ranger. After watching him kick some major rear end and woo women for a few minutes, I unanimously came to the conclusion that this dude is a must for desi movies. After that as I flipped some more, another channel was showing Delta Force. It's a movie made in the late 80s where Chuck Norris single handedly beats the crap out of every single terrorist in the Middle East. I'm thinking man this guy rocks and flipping some more and guess what? It's Chucky boy again in an exercise infomercial on TV.

Man! This guy is a triple threat. He can fight, mate with women and look good in spandex!!! I'm sold! Desi movies need him. If you're not convinced, please read on...............

Amitabh, Rajnikant, Dharmendar and all other desi heroes step aside

Compiled from different sources, here's a compelling case of why Desi movies need an alpha male like Chuck Norris:

  1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  2. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  4. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
  5. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  6. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
  7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  8. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
  9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  10. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  11. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and took home every girl in the stadium.
  12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
  13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
  14. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
  15. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
  16. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling "Bang!"
  17. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
  18. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  19. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  20. And finally........... Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Friday, December 23, 2005

What she really means..............

Inspired by Karthik and Sagnik (their names actually rhyme!) and from years of experience, I decided to compile my own list of what your wife/gf means when she uses certain buzz words:

1. "But I thought we were supposed to spend some quality time together tonight"
I dont care that its Super Bowl/World Cup finals tonight and all your friends are getting together. I really think we should go out, have a nice quiet romantic dinner and watch some sappy movies on Lifetime, so I can bawl my eyes out and feel really good about it. It's just another game after all.

2. "We need to get a new dishwasher."
I dont like how the current dishwasher in the kitchen doesnt match the new $5 pillow sitting in the corner of the couch of the living room. So instead of getting another $5 pillow, we can get another dishwasher that matches. Why dont WE use that money, YOU are saving for the new plasma TV?

3. "I have a headache"
This is the ultimate bucket of cold water on all your plans for that evening. If you are planning to go to a party, catch a movie or hoping to get some action, this will make sure that you both are stuck at home for the night and it is you who is doing the dishes.

4. "Go ahead........."
I dont really want you to but go ahead and hang out with your friends. The guilt trip I just gave you will make sure you are not having any fun.

5. "I'm not mad."
I'm mad and you are a dead duck. Prepare to get an expensive gift and some flowers as apologies.

6. "I need new shoes."
To go along with the 40 other pairs that are lying in the closet.

7. "Where is the remote?"
Time to switch channels from the football/basketball/cricket game to a repeat of Oprah.

8. "Are you asleep?"
How dare you fall asleep while I'm still awake? We need to talk about some mundane matters which can really wait till tomorrow but I dont want you to relax right now.

9. "You love me."
Take out the trash and do the dishes.

10. "We need to talk."
Translated: I need to talk. You are in deep shit. If you both just started dating, this means its over. If you have been steadily dating for a while, this is the beginning of the end. If you are married, this usually means you have been spending too much time hanging out with your boys or one of your friends/relatives said something to offend her.

Bonus: Are you listening to me?
I dont care if your team is getting ready to kick the winning field goal or needs 4 runs off the last ball, I'm trying to bitch about our neighbours/my co-workers/your friends/my best friend and you need to listen.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Annoying health warnings forwarded by fellow desis

Earlier this month I got an email forwarded by one of my friends which had the following health warning:

Killer plasticware takes on a new meaning for desis

Info for the Health Conscious

Dioxin Carcinogens causes cancer. Especially breast cancer. Don't freeze your plastic water bottles with water as this also releases dioxin in the Plastic.

On Channel 2 this morning. They had a Dr. Edward Fujimoto from Castle Hospital on the program. He is the manager of the Wellness Program at the hospital. He was talking about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat and plastics releases dioxins into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Dioxins are carcinogens and highly toxic to the cells of our bodies. Instead, he recommends using glass, Corning Ware, or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results without the dioxins. So such things as TV dinners, instant saimin and soups, etc. should be removed from the container and heated in something else.

Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. Just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc. He said we might remember when some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.

Pass this on to your family and friends.

This is not the first time. One of my cousins makes it a point to forward these health warnings to me on a regular basis. Of course, they all mean well. But sometimes half-baked knowledge is more dangerous than ignorance.

When I get these emails which seem real but somehow not true, my brain yells Urban Legend. One reference from confirmed this to be a hoax.
From the Snopes page:

That a doctor (or, more accurately, someone bearing the title "Dr.") appears on TV does not mean he's a leading practitioner in his field; it generally means only that he has something to say that a news director considers newsworthy, accurate or not....................................
What TV news covers is dictated by ratings, not importance, and sensational claims get better ratings than straightforward, mundane information, even if the latter is more valuable to the viewing audience.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Update on Laptop story

As reported earlier, Sandeep, a desi MBA student in Singapore had his laptop stolen by a local student. The laptop was recovered almost immediately thanks to campus security.

Sandeep's lost (and now recovered) laptop

Sandeep, who is originally from Mumbai, had the option to press charges with the local authorities resulting in jail time and/or corporal punishment for the accused. But, respecting the wishes of university officials, Sandeep, has decided not to proceed with pressing charges, instead letting the University take disciplinary action on the accused.

"All that matters is I got my laptop back because of the timely help provided to me by the University. I decided to let them handle the case internally. Thanks to everyone for their suggestions and support." says Sandeep.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Rap Maharajah answers your questions about health issues

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me

Desi student's laptop stolen, recovered in Singapore college

Mr. X (name withheld to protect identity) from Mumbai, who is doing his MBA at James Cook University in Singapore was the victim of a theft earlier this week. he was working on his laptop (worth around $1000 US) in the university lab. He went to pick up a print-out and when he came back the laptop was missing.

The stolen (and later recovered) goods

Mr. X duly contacted campus security who went over surveillance tapes and identified the perpetrator, a Singapore local how is doing her business major at the same University. The accussed was picked up along with the stolen goods on campus and local authorities are waiting on word from Mr. X on whether to press charges on her.
When Mr. X contacted University officials, they have promised to take discplinary action on her also.
Mr. X, in the meanwhile, is mulling on whether to press charges in the light of the recovery of his stolen goods. He is well aware of the tough local laws in Singapore which may cause permanent bodily harm to the accussed.
"I am open to advice from other desis who have had similar experiences", says Mr. X.
What would you do?

Corporal punishment in Singapore

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Travel warning issued for desis and other browns in America

Trigger-happy brown-hunting America's finest are now being deployed on buses and trains. The words "bomb", "train", "bus" will now become abominations specially if you speak to your passengers in an "Eastern" tongue.

(Talking to friend in Tamil)
"Man, that movie had a lot of
bomb blasts. Why is this bus stopping now?"

(Marshals in English)
"Sir, please lay down on the ground with your hands on your head. Sir. Sir". Bang!!!

"He was acting weird and we followed our training."

Of course, I oversimplify but considering recent events, this is not beyond reach.

Amitabh and the popularity of Bollywood movies

I was dining at my friends' place, who are from Turkey. After dinner, we consumed copious amounts of baklava and tea and as we relaxed, conversation drifted to our respective homelands and naturally in my case to Bollywood.

It came to me as no shock that they have seen some Bollywood movies and liked the colorful nature of our desi productions. In fact, every non-desi I talk to has experienced Bollywood in one capacity or another, but that is a different topic.

But then they totally surprised me, when they started singing
Mard Taangewala, Mard Taangewala
Mujhe dushman kya maarega
Mera dost upar wala

The surprising thing is that these people cant speak Hindi to save their lives. Trust me I tried to teach them. They went on to inform me about how they watched every movie of the hero from the above movie. They watched the subtitles and memorized the words of the songs. Amar Akbar Anthony is their favorite!

Truly amazing how popular Bollywood movies are!!!