Why Chuck Norris should be in desi movies.......

As I was flipping channels the other day, I happened upon this show Walker Texas Ranger. After watching him kick some major rear end and woo women for a few minutes, I unanimously came to the conclusion that this dude is a must for desi movies. After that as I flipped some more, another channel was showing Delta Force. It's a movie made in the late 80s where Chuck Norris single handedly beats the crap out of every single terrorist in the Middle East. I'm thinking man this guy rocks and flipping some more and guess what? It's Chucky boy again in an exercise infomercial on TV.

Man! This guy is a triple threat. He can fight, mate with women and look good in spandex!!! I'm sold! Desi movies need him. If you're not convinced, please read on...............

Amitabh, Rajnikant, Dharmendar and all other desi heroes step aside

Compiled from different sources, here's a compelling case of why Desi movies need an alpha male like Chuck Norris:

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
2. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
4. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
5. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
6. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
8. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
10. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
11. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and took home every girl in the stadium.
12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
14. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
15. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
16. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling "Bang!"
17. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
18. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
19. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
20. And finally........... Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

What she really means..............

Inspired by Karthik and Sagnik (their names actually rhyme!) and from years of experience, I decided to compile my own list of what your wife/gf means when she uses certain buzz words:

1. "But I thought we were supposed to spend some quality time together tonight"
I dont care that its Super Bowl/World Cup finals tonight and all your friends are getting together. I really think we should go out, have a nice quiet romantic dinner and watch some sappy movies on Lifetime, so I can bawl my eyes out and feel really good about it. It's just another game after all.

2. "We need to get a new dishwasher."
I dont like how the current dishwasher in the kitchen doesnt match the new $5 pillow sitting in the corner of the couch of the living room. So instead of getting another $5 pillow, we can get another dishwasher that matches. Why dont WE use that money, YOU are saving for the new plasma TV?

3. "I have a headache"
This is the ultimate bucket of cold water on all your plans for that evening. If you are planning to go to a party, catch a movie or hoping to get some action, this will make sure that you both are stuck at home for the night and it is you who is doing the dishes.

4. "Go ahead........."
I dont really want you to but go ahead and hang out with your friends. The guilt trip I just gave you will make sure you are not having any fun.

5. "I'm not mad."
I'm mad and you are a dead duck. Prepare to get an expensive gift and some flowers as apologies.

6. "I need new shoes."
To go along with the 40 other pairs that are lying in the closet.

7. "Where is the remote?"
Time to switch channels from the football/basketball/cricket game to a repeat of Oprah.

8. "Are you asleep?"
How dare you fall asleep while I'm still awake? We need to talk about some mundane matters which can really wait till tomorrow but I dont want you to relax right now.

9. "You love me."
Take out the trash and do the dishes.

10. "We need to talk."
Translated: I need to talk. You are in deep shit. If you both just started dating, this means its over. If you have been steadily dating for a while, this is the beginning of the end. If you are married, this usually means you have been spending too much time hanging out with your boys or one of your friends/relatives said something to offend her.

Bonus: Are you listening to me?
I dont care if your team is getting ready to kick the winning field goal or needs 4 runs off the last ball, I'm trying to bitch about our neighbours/my co-workers/your friends/my best friend and you need to listen.

Annoying health warnings forwarded by fellow desis

Earlier this month I got an email forwarded by one of my friends which had the following health warning:

Killer plasticware takes on a new meaning for desis

Info for the Health Conscious

Dioxin Carcinogens causes cancer. Especially breast cancer. Don't freeze your plastic water bottles with water as this also releases dioxin in the Plastic.

On Channel 2 this morning. They had a Dr. Edward Fujimoto from Castle Hospital on the program. He is the manager of the Wellness Program at the hospital. He was talking about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat and plastics releases dioxins into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Dioxins are carcinogens and highly toxic to the cells of our bodies. Instead, he recommends using glass, Corning Ware, or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results without the dioxins. So such things as TV dinners, instant saimin and soups, etc. should be removed from the container and heated in something else.

Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. Just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc. He said we might remember when some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.

Pass this on to your family and friends.

This is not the first time. One of my cousins makes it a point to forward these health warnings to me on a regular basis. Of course, they all mean well. But sometimes half-baked knowledge is more dangerous than ignorance.

When I get these emails which seem real but somehow not true, my brain yells Urban Legend. One reference from Snopes.com confirmed this to be a hoax.
From the Snopes page:

That a doctor (or, more accurately, someone bearing the title "Dr.") appears on TV does not mean he's a leading practitioner in his field; it generally means only that he has something to say that a news director considers newsworthy, accurate or not....................................
What TV news covers is dictated by ratings, not importance, and sensational claims get better ratings than straightforward, mundane information, even if the latter is more valuable to the viewing audience.

Update on Laptop story

As reported earlier, Sandeep, a desi MBA student in Singapore had his laptop stolen by a local student. The laptop was recovered almost immediately thanks to campus security.

Sandeep's lost (and now recovered) laptop

Sandeep, who is originally from Mumbai, had the option to press charges with the local authorities resulting in jail time and/or corporal punishment for the accused. But, respecting the wishes of university officials, Sandeep, has decided not to proceed with pressing charges, instead letting the University take disciplinary action on the accused.

"All that matters is I got my laptop back because of the timely help provided to me by the University. I decided to let them handle the case internally. Thanks to everyone for their suggestions and support." says Sandeep.

Rap Maharajah answers your questions about health issues

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me

Desi student's laptop stolen, recovered in Singapore college

Mr. X (name withheld to protect identity) from Mumbai, who is doing his MBA at James Cook University in Singapore was the victim of a theft earlier this week. he was working on his laptop (worth around $1000 US) in the university lab. He went to pick up a print-out and when he came back the laptop was missing.

The stolen (and later recovered) goods

Mr. X duly contacted campus security who went over surveillance tapes and identified the perpetrator, a Singapore local how is doing her business major at the same University. The accussed was picked up along with the stolen goods on campus and local authorities are waiting on word from Mr. X on whether to press charges on her.
When Mr. X contacted University officials, they have promised to take discplinary action on her also.
Mr. X, in the meanwhile, is mulling on whether to press charges in the light of the recovery of his stolen goods. He is well aware of the tough local laws in Singapore which may cause permanent bodily harm to the accussed.
"I am open to advice from other desis who have had similar experiences", says Mr. X.
What would you do?

Corporal punishment in Singapore

Travel warning issued for desis and other browns in America

Trigger-happy brown-hunting America's finest are now being deployed on buses and trains. The words "bomb", "train", "bus" will now become abominations specially if you speak to your passengers in an "Eastern" tongue.

(Talking to friend in Tamil)
"Man, that movie had a lot of bomb blasts. Why is this bus stopping now?"

(Marshals in English)
"Sir, please lay down on the ground with your hands on your head. Sir. Sir". Bang!!!
"He was acting weird and we followed our training."

Of course, I oversimplify but considering recent events, this is not beyond reach.

Amitabh and the popularity of Bollywood movies

I was dining at my friends' place, who are from Turkey. After dinner, we consumed copious amounts of baklava and tea and as we relaxed, conversation drifted to our respective homelands and naturally in my case to Bollywood.

It came to me as no shock that they have seen some Bollywood movies and liked the colorful nature of our desi productions. In fact, every non-desi I talk to has experienced Bollywood in one capacity or another, but that is a different topic.

But then they totally surprised me, when they started singing
Mard Taangewala, Mard Taangewala
Mujhe dushman kya maarega
Mera dost upar wala

The surprising thing is that these people cant speak Hindi to save their lives. Trust me I tried to teach them. They went on to inform me about how they watched every movie of the hero from the above movie. They watched the subtitles and memorized the words of the songs. Amar Akbar Anthony is their favorite!

Truly amazing how popular Bollywood movies are!!!

Nearly one in eight people in the US born outside the country

This is a truly amazing statistic. As the United States becomes a , new studies show that some 12% of the people residing in the US are born outside the country. India born people account for some 4% of the immigrants.

The study puts the number of illegal immigrants between 9 to 13 million of the 35 million total imigrants. Of the 1.8 million South Asians (desis), India-born people represent FOBiness at a whopping 1.4 million.

From that 1.4 million people, keep in mind that 0.4 million came in the past 5 years. Supposedly, the last 5 years had the highest immigration numbers in the history of the United States. Looks like we did not miss the boat..... ok.... bad joke.

Every breath you take.........

"Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I’ll be watching you......................"

Sting and the Police, 1983

This fairly breezy number sounds like a love ballad, but on closer scrutiny of the lyrics, you will realize its about a stalker.

Why should I bring up this topic today? Because I read this poll taken by Rediff, asking readers, if the Indian government should allow tap personal telephones to fight terrorism and other national security threats to which, not surprisingly, most readers responded "YES!".

I'm sorry but to me this is ridiculous. All these people sound like Zombies ...."National Security is more important than privacy,National Security is more important than privacy"..... repeat 100 times. Of course, I dont live in India and its worse in the US, but even if I did, why should I let Big Brother listen in on my personal calls? What is the governments' interest if I'm asking my friends their dinner plans or if I'm paying my credit card bill over the phone? Their efforts would be more fruitful, if the amount of time and resources they spent on listening in on my call to the local baniya ordering 10kg of rice, is directed somewhere else - perhaps shadowing the LET.

This reader says it best:

"The Government has no right to tap phones of ordinary citizens (even) if CBI, IB and RAW officials are working with highest integrity and unmost sincerity. An act of terror occurs only when there is a lapse of action by the concerned authorities to heed to the information provided by IB,CBI or Interpol............."

National Security is more important than privacy ..... my foot! The government is too lazy to do its job correctly and they take the easy way out hoping to get lucky.

Like this gentleman once said:
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
And a thing or two about democracy, he did know.

p.s. The year was 1983, at the height of the Cold War. Was Sting singing about stalking someone or was he talking about the Big Brother in the Western world patrolling its own citizens?

My first time!

This weekend there was a community Christmas party for which I was the designated driver. To those of you who dont know the Rap Maharajah, I'm the one who needs designated drivers and not vice versa. So that was quite an experience for my first time - as a designated driver ...... ha ha ..... what else did you think it was?
The best part about this was the passengers. I had to pick up (and drop off) 5 senior citizens. The youngest among them was 80+. So when I say senior citizens, I mean it!
These are people in the twiglight of their lives - they can hardly move on their own. But you could see the excitement in their eyes. They were getting to meet all these people they have not seen in a loooooooong time. These people could hardly take a step or two, but yet you could see that they were trying to fly trying to reach the car so they could get to the party on time. Their minds were moving faster than their bodies would allow, kind of Matrix-like.
Their mood was upbeat, chatter incessant and they kept thanking me repeatedly for doing this for them, to the point it was embarassing.
I'm glad my one time (seriously, this was my first!) I played designated driver, I could help bring some enjoyment to these awesome people.

Funny saying on my Dentyne Ice pack

Dentyne Ice

On the back of my pack of Dentyne Ice Mints reads:

Dentyne-ism #30
If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is probably not for you.

Is Times of India going overboard with sensational headlines?

TOI reports on the story of a Turkish man, who ran away with his friend's wife and offered his own wife in exchange to his friend.

Does TOI online need to be more careful with their headlines?

Now this story is a strange one for sure but TOI had it under the headlines: "Wife swapping the Turkish way". Getting someone to read your papers is one thing but by using irresponsible headlines like above they make it seem like it is a Turkish way of life to swap wifes on a regular basis.

If the story happened in India and CNN or BBC published the story with the same headlines "Wife swapping the Indian way", I'm sure TOI and Indian bloggers would be up in arms against them. What's good for the goose,................

You dog! You swine! Happy Birthday!

"Kutte Kamine! Mein tera khoon pi jaaonga!" (Dog! Swine! I'll drink your blood!)

Garam Dharam

The man who had the cajones to use creative words like that and changed the landscape of Hindi action movies forever, celebrates his birthday today (8th Dec).

Happy birthday to the man who gave great performances in Sholay, Seeta aur Geeta and Chupke Chupke.

I was never a big fan of his (who is?) but the night he came on the stage totally drunk to pickup his Lifetime Achievement award was an instant classic.

What makes Rap Maharajah angry?

As I was walking out of CVS pharmacy tonight, I almost got ran over by a car pulling into a handicapped parking spot. Then out of the car alights Madame Plus Size Butterfly and walks into the store while Madame Plus Size Butterfly part 2, stays in the car with the engines running, so she could just pull out of the spot in case a towing truck came.
They had no handicap tags on their car.

Apparently these people were so lazy that they could not park in a regular spot. There were plenty of empty spots at 9:00pm but they were 10 feet farther than the handicap spot. I hope one day when these two are old and/or sick, and are really in need of a disabled spot to get their medication, they dont find one because some lazy ass youngster parked there!!!! Karma is a bIatch!!!

Rap Maharajah's healthy desi late night snack - Return of the Kakdi

If you have not already done so, read part 1.

Continued from Coming soon: what happened to the other half of the kakdi?

Remember the other half of the cucumber which was sliced into tiny pieces? Rap Maharajah found half a container of fat free Yoghurt in the refrigrator approaching expiry date.

Dannon plain fat free yogurt

After pouring it into a large bowl, the Maharajah put in all the diced cucumber pieces and added some salt, cumin and mint leaves. Remember to go easy on the mint leaves unless you are planning on going on a date after having the Rap Maharajah Raita (RMR) - around 4-5 of them shredded/chopped to small pieces.

Man, that was some kick ass RMR. Rap Maharajah could've added some diced tomatoes but we Maharajahs dont overwork ourselves. Oh and the RMR was even better (if that's even possible) with some Cajun seasoning added to it.

RMR's secret "foren" ingredient

To those desi brethren who have never tried Cajun seasoning, Rap Maharajah has two words "Try it!!!!!".

After letting the RMR sit in the refrigrator for a couple of hours, RMR joined the immortal ranks of those kick ass (healthy) late night snacks, Rap Maharajah makes. Hey you 32 waist trousers hanging in the closet for the past 3 years. Here I come!!